ZEN Bitchin'

Although the title of the post suggests a reminiscing of sorts, I will not do it simply because last year this was exactly what I was doing: thinking about last Christmas. My Christmas eve tonight will be a busy one; the house will be the venue of our Christmas party. This means I will make an early trip to the market and the supermarket in about 6 hours, then spend the day cooking and preparing the house for the party. I am not in the party mode at all. If truth be told, I’d rather spend it quietly, alone. However, lately I do not trust myself to be alone with my thoughts. So, even if my innards feel like they’re rolled into a tight ball, I have decided to go through with the party.

Also, it took me quite a while… and after a seemingly long delay, caused by many things (procrastination, learning a new software in my macbook–goodbye, CorelDraw! deciding on which photo to use, which design to do, and what message to write, plus all the wranglings brought on by a simple yet brutal lack of inspiration), here it is finally: my holiday card for 2009.

Perhaps the most perplexing thing about whatever-the-hell-I’m-going-through-right-now is my inability to write about the whole experience. This is something I used to do with ease, since I was young. Whenever I felt troubled, disturbed, and confused, writing has always been a refuge, a sanctuary. When I was grieving–the passing of a loved one, or the end of a relationship, writing has always been an effective coping mechanism. It didn’t matter what I wrote: a poem, a story, or a simple outpouring of thoughts and feelings; writing made me feel better.

And now I can’t even do that.

I am resisting the urge of seeking someone to talk to regarding this, whatever-the-hell-this-is. I tried doing it to my friend but it ended in disaster. What was I thinking, anyway? I couldn’t–shouldn’t burden any of them with this. I am told I cannot do it alone but how can I bring other people into this morbid dance? It’s not that they brought me here in the first place. Well, some of them, probably. But the nature of my friendships has always been one that is frustrating and infuriating and loving and caring, all at the same time. Although, lately, yeah, I have to admit that, of late, all of them seem to frustrate and infuriate me more than love and care for me.

My gut tells me stay away, but my mind tells me I cannot do this alone.

But, pray tell, do what? Get over this funk? Emerge from this rut? Be free from despair and anger? Regard the glass as half-full instead as half-empty? Let my heart swell with emotion?

It seems that like writing, I am unable to do any of these things as well.

My mind is a bottomless well of ideas. A thousand ways–or more, to deal with whatever-this-is.

Do the things that made you feel differently. If this fails, do new things that will (hopefully) make you feel differently (hopefully, better). Seek the company of friends. Go out and (try to) have fun. Eat and drink and indulge. Do some physical activities and get an endorphin high. Read books with positive messages. Have a good cry. Have a good laugh. Pray. Talk to someone. Talk to a professional. Renew ties with  loved ones. Communicate with your family. Communicate with God.

The list is possibly endless.

If only these ideas will march out of my mind, coax my tired body to actually move, and turn these thought-forms into concrete actions.

I have very few reasons to smile and laugh these days. I won’t give the morbid and grisly details because people are put off by other people’s misery, this I know clearly now. It is not true that misery loves company. People, especially those whom you feel very close to, tend to drift away in your worst times. I am speaking from experience.

However, something happened to me a couple of weeks ago. Without any real expectations, I entered a photo contest organized by one of Cambodia’s English-language newspapers. The contest was open to all amateur and professional photographers, with no real limits as to how many photos one entrant can submit in any of the 5 categories. These vague rules added to my apprehension but eventually my recklessness prevailed. To hell with all these fears and worries and dread, I said. And I shot photo after photo until my CF card couldn’t take any more.

In the end, I submitted 10 photos for 2 categories. Among the other entrants that I know, I submitted the least number of photos in the least number of categories. After that I went on with my remaining life here in Phnom Penh. One Monday noon I received a congratulatory text message from B. I asked, what for? And he said I won in one category. Winners for each category were to be announced daily–a fact that escaped me. And I couldn’t believe it until I saw the spread of the newspaper that showed, yes, I indeed won in that category.

I bought about 10 copies of that day’s paper, for posterity. I felt elated and, I must admit, happy. For the first time in quite a while. I was still competing in another category but I didn’t care anymore. I already won. To win in the other category would probably be along the lines of tempting the fates. Had this happened, I would’ve felt terrified of what the gods have in store for me, in return for such good fortune. During the awarding ceremony last week, I realized that most of the other first placers in the remaining 4 categories, plus the grand prize winner were all professionals. They either do freelance work or they have their own studios and they do work in travel, fashion, and advertising.

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About two weeks ago the winds suddenly blew cold in Phnom Penh. Nights began feeling too cold for me to use the a/c in my room. This happened for about a week before becoming balmy and dry like a summer night again. The trees in the small yard facing my building began losing their leaves weeks before that. It started with a few leaves falling on the brick walkway and on the stairs going up to my house, progressing to a handful or so finding their way unto the porch–courtesy of the wind. Three days ago, I woke up to find the ground littered with leaves, almost covering the bricks and the stone steps. I looked at the trees and saw that only one seemed to have completely lost its foliage. The other trees had significant losses, but at least remained covered with green leaves. As I looked at the brick walkway, my eyes began to differentiate the yellow and burnt sienna of the dried leaves against the ochre and reddish orange of the bricks. Shapes began to take form against the other shapes and I would’ve continued to stare at the patterns I were seeing had it not for the ding of the toaster, which reminded me that my bread was done.

Since I learned to count, I have been fascinated by patterns. I would measure the area of a room my counting the tiles, count how many books would fit on a single shelf, or decipher the order of colors in a printed fabric. The word ‘obsessive-compulsive’ comes to mind. Over the years, this fascination did not bloom to be an obsession (fortunately) but instead distilled into a quiet interest that nudges me time and again. I guess this is why I always excelled in abstract reasoning exams and why I love jigsaw puzzles.

However, this quiet interest has also caused me to look for, and see, patterns in my own life. My behavior, my decisions, even the things that have happened to me. Please don’t be so quick to dismiss my hypothesis; twenty-five years or so of scrutiny have led me to make this pronouncement.

For example, in the last 3 decades of my life, I have met at least one person who became close to me and later s/he betrayed me in one way or another. In my teens, my social ineptitude made me vulnerable to manipulation that resulted in a social disaster that tainted my entire high school experience. In my twenties, a colleague who’d become my confidante betrayed my trust for his own career advancement. A couple of years ago, I experienced quite a public betrayal in the hands of two supposed-friends (one old and one new) who not only tried to appear to be the aggrieved party but also tried to malign me to our common friends. Did they succeed? Let’s just say that my remaining friends deserve to be my friends and those who chose to listen to their shit-talk do not.

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